You were everything and now your nothing…. and all I can say is that sucks.

The sky was clear, it was beautiful, I laid with her on a lounger on the most beautiful of Maldives beaches, it was our last night on our holiday and all I could think about was how lucky I was. We had sex on that lounger then laid cuddling starring at the sky, the stars twinkled as the waves whooshed back and forth.

All of a sudden in the blink of an eye, a star flashes across the sky, and again, and again…. we laid staring and counting. I’m guessing a meteor shower but in the moment it was like the most beautiful of shooting stars… Every time “make a wish” she would say…. every wish was the same, I wished for her heart, I wished that my time with her would never end.

Fast forward nearly a year and I’m in a dark bedroom saying goodnight to her on my phone, we had been separate for the night. We say a quick goodnight and I remind her of that night “you were my wish upon a star, I hope you know that”…. I had no idea that would be the last words I say to her.

I had a secret, a few actually but I’d fucked up and I’d lied about it, I’d lied repeatedly about this and to be honest a few bits. I never knew that I would be waking to her telling me she had just found out. She never faltered, she never took time deciding she just walked away, no looking back.

I laid reading the message again and again trying to believe my eyes, she was my whole world and it was crashing before my eyes.

As with anyone who’s been dumped, you pick your self up and you go through the motions, I cried, I didn’t eat a bight of food for nearly two weeks, I gave up sleep, I was a broken man.

I had never felt pain like this before, not this bad, my whole world was destroyed crumbled around me. I’d lost the one woman I can say I’d truly loved more than anything I’d ever encountered. I had lost a step son whom was the most miraculously kind child I knew and I had torn my son from a woman he thought of as his step mother.

My world crashed around me, I was in trouble at work, my family hated me, my friends were bored of my shit…. I was alone in a way I never had been.

I was pushed into seeking help, it took a while to find the right help but I came to a woman called Alison, she saved my life that night…. it was last chance saloon for me, no going back, either she fixes me or I’m heading to what’s in the next life. I didn’t want to live in a world without my family.

I sat with her for an hour and she saw me the next day too…. she didn’t really help me with the loss of my loved ones but she did make me see just how unworkable my behaviour had been. Just how despicable I had acted. We examined how I was and when it had started and eventually with a little help from a specialist charity she sent me to a clinical psychologist.

I met Chris who within an hour had a shall we call it “probable diagnosis”… it would take a while longer before he would really tell me officially. He called it complex ptsd, I’d been sick for a long time, almost so long I didn’t really recognise myself anymore. He said a lot of my behaviour was due to the fact that I’d developed a fear of loss, I would say or do anything to prevent my loved ones from leaving (ironically that’s what caused them to go).

For the next month every single day we worked through every twisted and traumatic event in my long past as a fireman and in life, most of which I hadn’t even attempted to deal with. Sometimes I would leave after being bored to death for an hour and others I’d leave sobbing knowing I’d made progress.

I didn’t understand it in the moment, to me they were just wasting my time, I didn’t really need help with the “me” problem, I needed my family back…. anything else was stupid.

Eventually they found it, to be honest I knew most of the time, I didn’t want to expose it though because it was real to me, it was a real problem and it was what actually hurt to talk about it. If I’m honest everything to this point was a waste of time.

We spent days talking about it and how I felt and I had some intense NLP and CBT to focus on behaviours. I don’t really know when but all of a sudden I felt fixed, I felt me again and it was the oddest feeling. The last two years all of a sudden feel like a blur, like I hadn’t lived it and someone else had.

That pains me to think, it was like I never actually had her. My body did but I was never with her, not the real me. I like to think the things she fell in love with were the real me…. who really knows now and to be honest it doesn’t matter anymore.

I wish there was a way back…. there isn’t, I know that full well. I still love every single part of her in a way I don’t know if I will ever feel again, I still miss her son like a part of me was taken…. I live a life of regret but strangely as much as it destroys me that the thing that mattered most to me is now gone…. where would I be if she hadn’t? I was getting worse…. what had started as a small tick was now a full blown melt down.

Much like Alison saved me and doesn’t know it. Maybe I’d have been on the edge of a bridge right now waiting to make the big dive down to destruction. Maybe I’d have got worse but been happy… who knows, I definitely don’t.

I do know however that I needed that loss to get better, I do know that she saved me from what was a full blown breakdown, I do know that even if all that’s left are memories… I still got to have her even if it was cut short, I know that she taught me how to love… even if my love was toxic. I know that she turned me into a better person, even if she had to leave to do it.

I’ll always love her in a way that I didn’t think was human, in a way I didn’t think I could…. but I’m happy again, not a day goes by where I don’t think of her constantly but I still manage a smile. I have women chasing me but why settle when you know what you want. The day I meet someone that makes me feel the way she did I’ll move forward but for now I’m just starting to get to know me again and I could do without the distraction.

I’m still working on my issues but I feel 1000 times better and I’m so much more aware of my mental health.

Thanks for listening and I promise to be a sarcastic asshole again next time x

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