I want to walk through a waterfall and swim with sharks….. fuck off darling!!! I just don’t get it…. they are fleeting moments in a life time full of mediocrity. The thing is I think people are just trying to cop out and take the easy road even with their dreams.
I did get the chance to swim with sharks and I’ve walked through waterfalls… it was great but ultimately extremely short lived. So fuck it let’s not have dreams? Shall we just not bother?
Well that would be dull wouldn’t it. I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to be… I’ve had a full mental break down not to long ago and now I’m on the mend I can absolutely choose what it is that I want to be… not to say make someone up but my outlook can be new!
So my bucket list, as sad as it may sound…
find love again, I want to love like I did the last woman… I feel she will always be my princess, but you know what without being sick I have nothing to hide behind, if i fuck it up again to be honest I’ll give up and probably just kill myself. But I’d like to try to love again.
Find something… anything to be honest that makes me feel the wonder and inquisitiveness of a child. Remember that? when nothing was humdrum, nothing was dull, it was all WOW! Even if it’s fleeting and just a few moments I want to feel that once again.
Be around people that make me as happy as a dog is when he sees his owner. FUCKING MENTAL!!!!! Literally life is complete because I’m gonna chill with these people!!!!
Watch the world, not just look but really watch, spend time to really truly observe a sunset or the clouds or even just to watch the breeze. My ex was good at this, she took the moment and actually lived there…. whilst I texted or checked stocks in the background.
Find stories, when I’m old and grey (providing i haven’t taken that great leap down to earth from a multi-storey car park long before) I want to sit with my grandkids and mesmerise them with great stories from a life well lived, it may be my biggest fear if I’m honest. That when I’m old my only great story will be having loved and lost.
And the last thing…. I really want to feel worthy. It’s odd but I feel a bad person, I feel I’ve wronged people and yes I was sick but I did…. I have saved lives, many actually and I’ve placed my own life as a deposit to do so at times… but I want to just do something what ever that may be that makes me feel like I have actually done something, anything good enough to make all of the bad go away…. maybe even actually be able to claim I’m a good person and really mean it.
I hope one day my son or my ex’s whom I wanted to be my son so bad (shall remain nameless) read this, take this on board and do a better job of living than I have. If you ever do see this, I love you very much and I always will.
Oh and waterfalls and sharks and stuff…. sure that will feel worth it.