Ok so I don’t want to lie, I’ve just sort of had a fuck you attitude and didn’t really want to play for a few days. It happens from time to time with me, the therapist who is largely responsible for me not being a serial killer says that it’s minor relapses in the road out of my break down (I like to refer to that as “PTSD town” where everyone is mental and angry).
I also had a bit of a block as to what to write! I started a few things before I got the hump and abandoned ship but nothing was really sticking. I started one on a woman I’d met and how she seemed to always have such positive attitude and how it seemed to make people draw to her…. half way through writing it I met with her and she literally turned into the most pessimistic person I know….
One on standup routines and the things I’m learning writing this new show, to be honest even I am bored of hearing me talk about standup routines……. BORINGGGG!
I also wrote quite a dark piece one day when I was really moody, it was about how I don’t seem to fear death anymore, not that in anyway that I want to die…. more than I seem to have accepted it’s inevitability and made peace with the fact that everyone is going to do it.
I guess it’s made me realise that all of this is dependent on my mood, it’s not as well thought through as I once perceived, it got me wondering how much of my life is like this? How much do my emotions dictate my actions? I’d never really thought about it before to be honest, I just sort of lived my life in bliss, but I seem to have noticed how much of a child of circumstance I have become.
I got dumped from a relationship that realistically meant extremely little to me this week, honestly you might think the world had ended! It was almost pathetic!
The thing that I find odd (please feel free to comment if you sometimes wonder this about yourself) is that in so many aspects of my life I am extremely controlled. For instance in my work (as a firefighter) I show exceptional emotional resilience in what are often harrowing conditions, in other parts of my life i melt at the smallest of things!
I haven’t ever kept it a secret that I struggle parenting… but it’s just me and him now so realistically we struggle on! But emotional control is something I truly struggle with when it comes to parenting…. I either feel absolutely shattered and deflated or angry…. don’t get me wrong we also have good times but others seem so much more consistent than I am.
Either way rant over! I love you all dearly.